Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Top Ten Ugliest Players in the NBA

With the NFL season officially over now, it's time to focus on basketball. Don't focus too much on these ugly bastards though.
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#10 Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Just because he's one of the best players in the league doesn't mean he's not one of the ugliest. This #10 ranking was a tough one though. It was either Dirk, Greg Oden, or Charlie Villanueva. My girlfriend said picking Charlie was mean. "If being bald makes you ugly then that would make a lot of NBA players ugly. Plus it's not his fault he can't grow hair." Then when I showed her Greg Oden and Dirk she said "Definitely go with Dirk- are you kidding me?!" So there you go.

#9 Pau Gasol, LA Lakers

Pau is slightly uglier than Dirk on account of that dumb-ass look he always has on his face. He's also a lot ganglier and much more awkward-looking that Dirk. He also has an ugly younger brother Marc (rookie with Memphis) who looks exactly like him so I figure he should count for two.

#8 Yao Ming, Houston Rockets

7'5" Frankenstein-looking mutha fucker. Might as well have screws coming out of his neck. What is with this picture by the way? Is this his high school senior photo? Is his head really that small compared to the rest of his body? I always thought his head was enormous. I wonder how many people he needed to help him get back on his feet after this shot.

#7 Delonte West, Cleveland Cavaliers

I got news for you, Delonte. It doesn't matter how much you paid for that shirt, there is no covering up that strange discoloration on your lip. I bet you have your own special water cup with your name on it. Shit, I bet you have your own personal water boy. You're a god damn health risk. That's probably why you've been on three different teams in your five year career.

#6 Adam Morrison, Charlotte Bobcats

Who can forget Adam Morrison sobbing and crying like a little bitch after Gonzaga lost in the tournament? And who can ignore his failed attempt at bringing the mustache back? It might be ok for this clown to stand out if he could actually back it up with a little game. But this guy is terrible. He's one of the biggest busts in recent memory and he looks like trash. His face should be considered a violation of the NBA dress code policy.

#5 Sheldon Williams, Sacramento Kings

What the hell is wrong with this guy's ears? I love how this picture has fireworks going off in the background celebrating how ugly this Dukie bastard is.

#4 Robert Swift, Oklahoma City Thunder

Good lord, look at this freak. Never heard of him? That's ok. Nobody else has either. This doofus was drafted straight out of highschool a few years ago and has pretty much succeeded in hurting himself and getting tattoos. He's a goon and violently ugly.

#3 Joakim Noah, Chicago Bulls

This guy thinks he's hot shit but he's ugly as sin and a terrible human being. Check out the "suit" he wore to the NBA draft. Check out his face. Listen to him speak. He pretends he's a hard gangster from the streets but his daddy was a rich famous tennis player. Joakim Noah is what is wrong with professional sports.

#2 Chris Kaman, LA Clippers

Any discussion of ugly players can not leave our boy Chris "The Caveman" Kaman out. I feel sorry for this guy. He's developed into a pretty solid NBA center but will probably never get the credit he deserves because of his ugliness. People simply can not look at the guy for any extended amount of time with out crying and looking away. It's like staring directly into the sun while cutting onions. Shit even the video games can't save this guy! I think the Xbox actually explodes if you zoom in any closer...

#1 Sam Cassell, Boston Celtics

Some call him E.T. Charles Barkley calls him Gollum. Until this dude retires (and he's very close- he's pretty much an assistant coach this year), he will remain at #1. His bug eyes and little flappy cheeks make me sick but I have to give him credit for inventing the "I have giant balls" dance. A dance other players are now starting to bite (Kobe included). Congrats Sam!

UPDATE! Holy shit I forgot about Calvin Booth. He gives Sam a run for his money for sure... how did I miss this clown? His face looks like the inside of a hot dog.

#1 Calvin Booth, Minnesota Timberwolves


Kacrates said...

lmao this one gave me the beeest laugh.

a13eb00a-1ced-11e1-87dc-000bcdcb471e said...

Now ask your girl which NBA guys she'd love to bang

ashash said...

Where is Steve Nash???